7espada

you know whats really sad? when your younger brothers are out partying with friends when you have nobody else to be with. i just graduated and i know its supposed to be a happy thing but to me i just feel empty.i cant  see anything happy right now. everyone in my family has something for them.im the middle child of five children 2 older brother and sister and 2 younger brothers. each of them has something my older brother has his work,parties,friends and girlfriend,my sister has her husband and her 2 little girls.my 2 younger brothers are kinda the same my second to youngest brother he acts like my older brother with the alcohol,drugs (supposedly)and parties with his friends my youngest brother hes like my friend but whenever he goes with his friends im just reminded that he has his own life and that i have no one. i do have friends but im thinking since they have college and i call them they may be busy with something or with someone else and i don't want to bother them. that's another thing sometimes i feel like im too nice and just let myself be this way because im too shy to say anthing. i want to be a nice person that doesn't let himself be told what to do but i don't want to be that guy that annoys everyone. i want to be a massage therapist and study it more in college and find a nice job but honestly im more scared of the future because i feel that im alone and that i have no one to talk to or to be with.

im sorry for the rant ive just been feeling depressed lately

It's the end of the school year and I just realized I don't have any friends.ive always been a lonely person and I've been okay with it for a long time.i have my family but they have friends too and I just feel alone.at school its the same thing I always try to be a nice person.but I'm really shy.i don't really have friends only people I know that's all they are because no one has ever wanted to hang out with me before no one ever asked unless I asked them.i just find myself just so pathetic.whats sad is that I love cartoons because they distract me from reality.i guess it's because in the end of the day they have a happy ending and great friendships.i guess it's because I never had a true friend or a best firend that I enjoy watching them.it sad but it true.in my life I always wonderd would it be better if I just never existed or just died.would anyone care?would it change anything?have I made a difference in someone's life or even in the world?
Sometimes I think that I'm diffrent because I might be gay I don't know why I have these feelings or who to talk to them.its probably because I haven't had a girlfriend but it's all my fault. I can never do anything right I am nothing special.ive always been depressed but no one has ever asked.i feel if I'm somewhere would anyone even notice me if I'm not there.sometimes I have these suicidal thoughts and just keep thinking if I should just get it over with.i just want to find that one person who can help me before I do something horrible

I'm deeply depressed and I hate myself so much
I just can't take it anymore

well i love the things that i can now get with my premium membership ^^

alot of cool stuff well thats it

bye